Kan"Maybe next time."
I think I've processed my thoughts by now. A lot of them are thoughts about Qinni and why I do art.
It's strange how much Qing affected me even though we were total strangers... But I think it's because we're total strangers, and that's why your passing makes my heart ache.
We could have been friends! Qing was only 3 years older than me, a country away but still reachable through social media. But I never tried to speak to her. I never reached out to show support, never commented on her art, never drew fanart... I was too shy, too self conscious.
There were huge odds that we still wouldn't have spoken to each other even if I did try to speak to her... But I didn't try soon enough.
I thought you had more time... I thought I could continue quietly supporting you until I felt like my art got better enough to show you.
It is both humbling and humiliating to realize that something so small stopped me from trying to support you, and I regret it. It's so stupid that I let something like "how good I am at art" stop me from trying to help or support you while you were still here.
I'm going to be taking a step back to realign my art goals: what I want to accomplish and why... I still don't have answer but I'll be going back to basics: Studying anatomy, using references (something I've been hesitant to do because it's been weirdly controversial lately)... And even though I don't have an answer as to why I make art, I do know this:
I don't want to use it as a stepping stool to catch up to my peers, or to comfort my self esteem issues when I talk to another artist. Nor do I want to use it as a means to get popular.
Qing... Thank you for all you've done, and I'm sorry that I didn't do more as a follower to help you. Even now, you're still teaching me about art and I appreciate it.
And if reincarnation exists... I hope our paths cross again one day.
2020-02-25 18:47:46 +0000